New Years 2024

 

The above image is one that is so incredibly true and sums up personality to a darn 'T'. I have spent so many years trying be someone else. It was always what do I need to change, what isn't "right". The insecurities that were so loud at times. I couldn't be happier with the person I have evolved into now. I take great pride that I have been able to overcome most of them and be just me. 

It was amazing last night in all honesty. It was a very quiet New Year's eve this year. One of my best girlfriends who I have know since I was actually my daughter's age. Both her and her husband, and 2 boys came out for supper. 

Now let's be honest here both my girlfriend and I are both notorious for cancelling plans last minute, or like I did on Saturday completely forgot that plans were made. So solution she somewhat invites her and her family for lunch. Okay that's awesome I prefer to have people over in all honesty (its a comfort thing). Also I am working on it. 

This is where I totally dropped the ball. So thank you wonderful ADHD and only reading half of the damn message, my expectation was as follows: That her and her son potentially both, a premade lasagna going right into the oven and then off to the fireworks. 

What actually happened was: Her and her husband (who is a little shy and has never met my other half) and the two boys. Okay perfect no big deal :) We start yapping as we always do. Cue "Oh hey wanna come on a road trip to MWTC and I forgot the lettuce for that salad. Okay whatever we get back and I am looking at the clock and then realize we need to assemble this lasagna. The pivotal point here is that we had the noodles some cheese, garlic and 1 can of tomatoes. 

I am sitting here going okay wait a second there are a couple things missing here:..... okay where is the meat.... hey did you bring hamburger? Response: "Nope" okay I have some in the freezer no worries. About 10 min later "hey are you wanting to put anything else in here?" okay..... uh got some onion and mushrooms perfect. Fantastic we are good! Opps don't forget extra sauce, Prego to the rescue. Now we are good (so I thought) Looking at the cheese situation since I am seeing 1 container of Ricotta.... oooh that's not going to be enough. Grate the entire rest of the brick of of cheese and we are good now, finally.

My daughter got home just in time from a pointless adventure. Going to hang out with her friend (well that was a story and a half). Quite the escapade to get home and add in a few panic attacks lol.

Supper was great, full of good conversations, the Oilers winning the hockey game. The 3 boys running off their energy. All the adults congregating in the kitchen (its always the kitchen LOL). Just an overall good way to say goodbye to a year and wiping that slate clean

It really is night like last night that are becoming so important in our lives, plain and simple. That warmth and laughter, the trips down memory lane for some. Most of all making new ones. 

Pesky Facebook Memories

 So it never ceases to amaze my how one photo can carry so much weight. Since the age of social media we seemingly get that constant reminder of what we did on any given day. This was indeed the case today. Get a notification of memories to look at and there was one in particular that hurt to look at.

It was a photo of me and my ex about 15 years ago when we were visiting his family over the holidays. I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, and had no idea. I remember it being a wonderful trip and we both looked extremely happy at the time.

Let's just say it was the following month that we found out that I was expecting my lovely little girl and this started the beginning of the end of that relationship. 

We were together for almost a year after my daughter was born, and it wasn't an easy break up to say the least. Unknown to me he had gone and gotten an paternity test while my daughter was in his care and it turned out that sadly she was not his daughter. Obviously he was devastated as was I. The one thing that he did that took me a long time to forgive was that he told my parents first and completely blindsided me.

In all fairness there was a lot of confusion with the due date of my daughter since I didn't show any first term symptoms (unlike my son, who I swear was trying to kill me lol) So it was understandable to want to be sure. Though to feel like you have to be sneaky about it and pull my family into it is mind blowing to me. The request that he made was for my mom and dad not to tip me off. The only information that I received was that there was a "talk" scheduled and that my mom and dad would be there. My dad was angry that he wasn't able to talk to me about it at my mom's request to keep it until then.

I remember that day fairly vividly. My mom had come by my apartment to pick me up an hour before this was suppose to happen. We were living on the west end at the time and her and I went to the Tim Horton's on stoney plain road. We grabbed our drinks, and sat down. Mom asked me if I had any inclination to what this could be about. After 4 agonizing days of playing the what did I do, I had narrowed it down to 2 options. 1) he found someone else and wanted to give me the big F you or 2) he had his concerns with the paternity of my daughter.

It was almost if my mom was testing me to see whether or not I had deceived him for the better part of 2 years. After she saw the reaction I had with my fear being confirmed, she seemed to accept that it wasn't intentional. 

Afterwards we went to his townhouse that we used to lived in together and it was one of the most heartbreaking encounters that I had ever endured. We never spoke again after that.

Over the years I had heard updates on how he was doing, not to mention the amount of rage that he still had towards me. Since we frequented quite a few of the same bars (one on the south side specifically) it was bound to happen that he would run into someone who knew me and unload everything.

I am still blessed to this day that I have a wonderful group of friends who will talk to me about an encounter of that magnitude versus believing everything they hear. When I encountered this friend and she told me what was said and how my ex thought I was this horrid human being that was using him and trying to steal from him was gut wrenching. 

I will admit that yes, I didn't go about things correctly all the time. A lot of that is due to inexperience and still being unaware of any of the issues in regards to my mental and emotional health. Lets not leave out the fact that I was in 20s didn't help either. Though to have that much rage, hurt and animosity directed completely towards you is harder then any word could ever explain. 

Now here we are 15 years later and being reminded of all the hurt and pain that you caused to another human being that you loved and cared about is eye opening. I look back at the years, especially the last 5 or 6 and to see that growth and change and I am proud of the woman I have evolved into. There is that nagging internal voice that is begging for you to reach out and try to make amends for it.

Though how on earth would reaching out to that individual help. It may make me feel better for trying but in the same breath what damage would that bring about for them? I couldn't imagine having to relive the loss of a child that you thought was yours. Potentially reopening a wound that was finally closed. Its hardly fair and not needed.

What would give me the right to reach out and bring up all the pain and the memory just so I can maybe sleep better at night. Or open a can of worms that will send me spiraling yet again. Even if it were best case scenario and it was a civil conversation.... what would the point be? I have no motivation of attempting to reconcile since I am so incredibly happy with the life that my partner and I are building. I don't want to boast of how much better life is now and that I fixed myself and that I am sorry for breaking his heart. 

It's one of those situations where there is nothing that can be done to correct the wrongs that were caused by myself. It's having that realization that no matter how sorry you are for the actions you committed previously there isn't always a way to make it all better.

We are human and we make mistakes and there are people in our lives that get hurt along away. It is a rare thing indeed to have that epiphany and be conscience of the impact that you can and will have on those near and dear to you.

This is probably one of the hardest realizations that I have had over the last couple years. Goodness know there has been a lot that has come to light. The memories that are coming to light and being able to sit down and fully walk through them and attempt to analyze the situation. These are moments that you can either learn from or moments where the self loathing takes a hold.

 

Introduction

 So the beginning of the new year I was able to start writing again and I couldn't be happier with actually sticking to it. Though that being said there are some things that I am willing to share with people and others, mmmm not so much. 

I figured we can set this up a little differently with mainly just my thoughts. There are entries from years ago showing struggles and growth all at the same time that I don't want to loose.

If you are lucky enough to be sent this link, don't be too harsh ;)